When I was a young boy I was sexually abused by a grown man who was my babysitter. The last time this happened my sister, who saw what was happening, told my mom. The police came and shortly after I started seeing a counselor. A few months later, at age 6 or 7, a friend of mine who was about the same age and I were caught by his mother with our pants down comparing our boyhood. She was furious. I still vividly remember the look in her eyes as she pointed me down and with a deep growling tone of anger said, “you are a child molester”.
The last couple of years the Lord has been walking me through these traumatic events of my childhood.
Something I have always loved is working with children. I’ve had many dreams of being a father. There is something about giving and receiving life, love, and a smile from children that lights up my heart. And children aways tend to have a wild fresh prospective on things. But at the end of the day, as much as I love working with children, It has always been a super uncomfortable place for me.
I recently went to India to visit The Asha House, our House of Hope for Children. The Asha house is a family with 14 children currently and of course Mama and Papa. Most of our children have been through very traumatic things in their young lives and have few if any blood relatives. India was amazing, different, and emotional all at the same time. I was able to spend quite a bit of time with the kids which was absolutely amazing and so much fun. The Lord opened many doors for us to speak life, love and forgiveness while we were there.
We arrived on a Saturday morning and on Saturday night at dinner Papa Victor turned to me and asked, “What are you preaching about tomorrow”? Having no idea this was coming, with a bit of a blank stare I said to him, “I don't know”. I guess it is completely normal to be asked to preach when visiting India. Now I know. So that night, knowing nothing about culture and very little about the family we are visiting or whats going on in life, nervously I began to pray. I stared asking the Lord what He wanted me to speak about. That night I had a really vivid dream. The pages of a bible where being flipped through and suddenly stopped when a hand strongly pointed out two scriptures. In my dream I knew this was an answer from the Lord. It was very clear to me what the scriptures were and why He wanted me to speak on them. After waking up I could remember my feelings through the dream but couldn't remember the scriptures. After sitting in the moment, praying, and asking the Lord what exactly I was supposed to speak about, It became clear to me. The scriptures weren't the important part. What I was supposed to talk about was dreams, emotions, processing, and responding. And some of the other beautiful ways the Lord speaks to us.
I believe processing through our dreams and emotions are an invitation or an opportunity to stop and step in a little closer to the Lord.
I arrived back in Cambodia from India about a week ago and was hit with anxiety, restlessness, and became physically ill. As I began processing through my emotions, I began to ask the Lord, “what is this and why am I feeling it”? He started once again bringing up these traumatic events that happened in my life as young boy. Though I’ve been processing through this for a couple of years, there are pieces I still carry through life today. He has shown me that these pieces have been the source of my anxiety.
These emotions are no stranger to me. I have never had a problem pouring my heart out to children and loving extravagantly. Though in the past, usually after times such as these, anxiety has set in which leads to guilt, shame, depression, and isolation. But as I look back, on the other side of processing through these emotions has always come more freedom and an invitation into something bigger.
So here I am. Processing.
I want to get these emotions off of me. I want to love without limitations. I want to be the man God says I am. So, I asked Father God what I should do with these emotion. His response was…
“You’re not who they say you are, You, My Son, are what I see in you.”
The Father said to me, take off the labels of lies. Take off the guilt and shame, lay it at my feet and reclaim your identity. This label, this lie, put on me as a young boy has stuck with me into manhood. The Lord has shown me how I have let this determine the way I give love and that's not ok.
I am a Son. I am Chosen. I have been forgiven to forgive. I am a world changer.
I was created by Love
I was created for Love
I was created to receive Love
I was created to pour out Love
I was created to dream
I was created to create
It’s not what they say about me, It’s what God see’s in me.
Processing life much of the time feels like we’re going in circles. But if we are willing to be honest with ourselves and step in a little closer to the Lord in the midst of our processing, what feels like a circle is actually more of a spiral upward in the direction of God. Life is a process with many levels. Not all breakthrough happens in a moment.
Are you willing?
YOU ARE NOT WHO THEY SAY YOU ARE.
Claim It!
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